Time to jet off to lovely Townsville, or as some call it Townsville, home of humidity, crocodiles and sewerage treatment plants.
First round at Rowe’s Bay, rebuilding from the floods, lots of works going on around the course, no fucking idea where I am supposed to hit it, play ok, 2 women in the group, behaviour very good from the Shooter. Until, I said “run like a sailors” when one of the chicks hit one, she laughed and said she was a sailor so she knows how that works, now I’m a bit weirded out by her.
Going along ok, bogey 3 of the last 4, they are lining up the body bags for my finish again, one in the piss, on 7, land short of the green from 73 meters on 8 and don’t get it up and down, hit a 8 iron in the green side trap on 9 and lip out for par. Make a cheque and glad to see the back of the place.
Townsville Golf Club next day, 12 o’clock start, no putting green, range is under construction, about 11:30 it’s only 29 degrees and 894% humidity, perfect conditions for playing golf. We only have 12 holes to play because of the flood, maybe the pain won’t be for as long today but fuck me the heat is a beauty.
Start on 12th, shortish par 4, driver flushed down the left, I hope the left is ok, got 125 in, hit a 9 iron 20 yards right of the green into a swale as deep as Blisters pockets. Fuck me, what a shit shot so early, ok Shooter, nice little flop to a green sloping away from me, textbook shot here. Never seen a textbook that has a fucking knife in it, straight over the green into a GUR wet patch that I am sure is raw sewerage. Drop from there, now the smell of death and shit is on my hands and clubs, chip that, miss green, get it up and down for a double. Glad I’m here, it’s not bad enough it’s hot as the Devils dick but I’ve just made the worst double and my hands smell like ass.
How could it get worse you ask, fuck me, after 4 holes I am still 2 over and one of the amateurs asks me what my handicap was today ! Now that’s not good, he was a fat pasty white accountant who at that stage had not scored a point, this is definitely set a new low. Fucking hell Shooter, get a job. End up making a birdie on the last to shoot a decent score and making another little cheque.
Onto Tropics for the third tournament of the swing, the layout is great, the condition is shit. Starting on 15, in a 3 pro group, played with these guys before, should be a good day. That’s until I tried to hit the first shot.
Short par 4, water both sides, high sky toe with a 5 wood, flies 50 meters right, makes perfect entry to the algae covered sewerage water, the fucking thing never touched the ground in its short life, great start Shooter, let’s try to make 5.
Rehit was the best option, this time it’s further right and missed the pond, now it’s sitting on hardpan dirt, 80 meters right of target, no fucking idea where I’m supposed to hit it, hit it fat, over trees, other guys have made a hasty retreat from the area, wise.
Get to it, it’s now embedded in the trap 30 short of the green, how the fuck can this get worse. Flub it out, chip it on, knock putt in for a nice triple. How the fuck does this still happen to me.
I had a cart to myself so the 150 metre drive to the next tee was slow and full of why me, What the fuck, why am I doing this and I had to check that I hadn’t broken the fucking stupid right hitting 5 wood. Now I’m not just frustrated as shit but fucking steaming angry, this game will do it to you.
Grind out the rest, miss a 3 footer on the second last for birdie then bogey the last from 159 in the middle of the fairway for a fucking 76.
Hardest game in the fucking world. Can’t wait till the next event.
Frustration Magnet Shooter out.