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Tour Pro Shooter – New Caledonia

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The time had come, Shooter has entered and got a start on the Legends Tour, albeit a sponsor invite. Maybe the French realise the impact Shooter may have on the tour and decided an invite was in order.


Practice round started like any other, a couple of lost balls early and couple of nerve settling pars and the faint thought in the back of your mind “have I bought enough balls here”


Day 1, registration, get cards, meet playing partners, “how long have you been a pro”, “have you played a lot of these events”, “we don’t usually play tournaments, so you might have to help us out with some rules etc” Oh fuck I mutter to myself, how did this happen.

This is my third event as a pro, I play a lot of these events but as a Pro this is the third, I’m sure we will work out the rules as we go, you can do the team card if you like.


Shotgun start on 11, par 3, playing 150 mtrs slightly downhill, slightly down wind. Normally I would hit 7 iron as a settler but today I take 8, I am looking to smooth one in to the centre of the green and take the trouble out of play, casually 2 putt and move on. Well fuck me, 8 iron rockets out of the club, lands in the centre of the green, bounces hard and lands embedded in the back downslope of a small pot bunker. Well, Get Fucked, welcome to pro land Shooter. Fat shot out, chip onto green leaving a testy 9 footer for bogey, left lip shoots it out right, tap in 5 for a beautiful double.

Amateur playing partner says “bet that wasn’t the start you were after”, no shit Nostradamus, you fat fuck, shut up.


Birdie the next par 4, then the next par 5, back to square, how you like that amateur fuck.

Couple more doubles to bring the total for the day to 4, 2 bogies and 5 birdies to make a semi respectable 77, almost good. Tied 7th.


Day 2 starts a bit better, shotgun from the first tee, make a few pars early, get to 7 +1, hit it onto the back edge, 3 putt bogey, fuck, hit great shot into 8, 3 putt bogey, fuck, hit 2 good shots into 9, 4 putt double, fuck, fuck , fuck. Turn in 41.

How the fuck does this shit happen. Rally and shoot -1 over the back for 76, now that’s grinding  End day 2 T9.


Day 3 arrives, Tina Golf Club. A guy was murdered the day before on the 16th, fuck me, what a country. Shot 3 times, dead.

Windy as shit, cant keep the ball down, lose 3, all left, have a couple of 3 putts, sign for 77 which a few years ago would have been 85, not too bad. Still T9


Last day, seeded draw, first tee. Play pretty solid all day, miss a few that good players don’t, 3 putt the same fucking short par 4 from yesterday after hitting it on the green with a driver ……. again, fucking stupid fucking green, next hole, still fuming, hit is on the fairway, fucked lie, lay it up with an 8 iron Shooter, make 5 get out. Lay up, stays in the rough, knife the fucker over the back, chip it up to 8 feet hole it for par, fuck that was hard.


Split fairway with the next, 8 iron from 143 to 5 feet, fuck that’s good, shove it through the line to get nowhere near it, fuck me, bit frustrating now, last hole, hit it into perfect position, 89 meters uphill slightly into wind, good lie, make 3 here for even par and a good day.

Knife, 9 feet off the ground, flies green, lands on hardpan dirt runs 30 meters onto a dirt path near a rock wall, For Fucks Sake. Get a drop, hit a chip onto the fringe, casually 2 putt for bogey.

Solitary old bloke in the gallery claps, almost told him to get fucked but as a pro, it may have been seen as bad form, also, he may have been the shooter from the other day, you never know.


Shoot 74, go backwards on the last day and Tie for 11th. Cash in for $1624.


Pro Shooter out.

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