The Hawaiian Undertaking - Part 1. Airlines, the gift that keeps giving


After playing ok in Fiji, and equipped with a new 9 iron shaft, The Shooter is looking forward to making Hawaii his playground for a week or so to play an event. I wonder how many victims will be put to the sword this time. I suspect quite a few.


Flight booked, car parking booked, just have to get to Brisbane for my 5:05 fight to catch the connector to Sydney, then its Aloha and Kona Big Wave for me. (Big Wave is The Shooters beer of choice in Hawaii, nice little Golden Ale, mmm)


Arrive at the airport in plenty of time to check into the flight to Sydney. "Hello Sir, where are you off to today, I see you have the golf clubs" (slight head wobble, single pistol) Off to Hawaii via Sydney thanks, The lady behind the counter looks up and down a few times and then advises me there is no 5:05 to Sydney, I must be mistaken. I show her my departure documentation and flight itinerary to prove I am The Shooter and that I am on that flight.

Lady advises she has heard of me (of course) but the flight I am booked on doesn't exist.


mmm, this is perplexing to say the least. Lady gets Supervisor, Supervisor Lady says flight has moved from 5:05 to 3:30 but she can see Hawaiian Airlines do not have my details in the Virgin Australia system and given I have booked the flights through Hawaiian the Virgin Lady or the Virgin Supervisor Lady cant help me. I shouldn't call her the Virgin Lady because she has well and truly fucked me here. Now its becoming a massive cock up.


I thank her for her assistance and walk away to call the Hawaiian number, Saturday afternoon, answering service, fuck, just what I need. The voice prompts on the phone seem to be going on and on, my internal temperature seems to be going up and up.

Press 1 to leave a contact number, press 2 for reservations, press 3 for existing reservations, press 4 to get an explanation why we reamed you, *presses 4*,

Press 1 if you would like to complete a short survey, press 2 if you think we fucked you on purpose *presses 2*, now I have had enough and politely say "I want to speak to a human please", press 1........ "oh for fucks sake, get me a human to speak to"........ connecting you now...


As expected, I explained the situation that the flight has been moved by Virgin and I cannot get to Sydney now, I have tried all other carriers from Brisbane, Gold, Coast and Sunshine Coast, its now 3.45pm and I still have time to catch the 9:40 if I can just get out of here.

I heard no tapping of keys from the Hawaiian Lady, I think her "give a fuck o meter" didn't register. After a painful 5 minutes, Hawaiian Lady cant help me and on top of the outstanding customer service, they want to charge me $1067 USD per passenger to change the flight to the next day, I politely declined. What I really said was "are you kidding" I wasn't going to eat another $3000 on top of the many thousands I have already spent to change it by a day.


All is lost, no flights out.


It was a very slow, depressing drive home, I couldn't even stop for something to eat because of the many dollars I had just burnt, so sad.


Once we arrive back home Sweets calls the travel insurance company to see what redress we have, the small print about flight connection times got me again, I am so sore from all this reaming today.

So, flight cancelled, cant get to the connector in Sydney, travel insurance useless, airline saying stiff shit and here's a change fee of $3000, fuck me, what a day.


Sweets isn't having it, she gets on the phone to Hawaiian, coincidently gets same lady, I assume there is only 1 Gwen who works there. Sweets explains the situation, no notification from the airline, Gwen says we did advise you, Sweets says Virgin tell us Hawaiian don't have our details in the system, Gwen says so what, Sweets says c'mon Gwen we know there is fuckery afoot, Gwen says oh for fucks sake, its my last shift for a week, ill make the change to tomorrow for free but you have to get your own way to Sydney.


Sweets to the rescue, get online to book a flight the next day to Sydney, fuck me, its only $600 each. Better than the 3 Gorillas Hawaiian were going to charge me and besides The Shooter has some points to use, happy days.


Next day we get a flight from Brisbane and get there early, I mean real early, given the lines and fuck ups for the Fiji trip recently, I was making sure that didn't happen again.

The parking codes and q reader now don't work, apparently they work once and because we entered and exited on the one day they are now not valid, geez I hoped this day wasn't going to start with drama.

Push the button and the guy explains the system, he says he can see the booking and tells me to take a ticket and explain to the guy when we leave the situation and he will let us out then. Drama one avoided, Captain Zen is in the house.

Just entering the car park and its absolutely packed, these places must make a fortune. Make the first of what is likely to be a lot of turns, searching for a spot and there it is, a vacant park, sun is shining through, clouds have disappeared. Captain Zen strikes again, fuck yeah, things are looking up.


Security and Lounge are good, flight to Sydney is good. A man with his family rudely cut me off in the line for the T Bus to change terminals, I didn't even blow him up, today was going to be a good day

We are there so early we can not yet check in, a couple of hours spent doing some work, trying to scope out the competition, working out some weakness', google mapping the golf courses even though I have played them before, you never know if there has been changes made in the last few years. You cant be too prepared for battle of in the Hawaiian Islands.


Now I'm bored. Fuck this waiting around, still got a hour and a half to go, get an overpriced burger, soggy and burnt, how do they charge $20 for that shit, its not even crispy Iceberg lettuce for fucks sake, its that Rocket shit, highway robbery.

Flight is supposed to leave at 9:40pm, now at the gate having to listen to this 8 year old whiny American kid telling his dad he hates him and he wants coke and chocolate, fuck can he whinge, its like listening to me after making a double bogey.

I want to strangle the little fucker myself and the mother because she says he is expressing his creativity and own self, fucking American bullshit, I'm going to knock her out. (if you are reading this El Cabron, its not all Americans, just the new ones)


Plane is boarding and Sweets and I are not sitting together now because of yesterdays cock up, we are sitting in aisle seats in 16 and 17. Shouldn't be too hard to ask one of the window people to change seats with either of us, normally people are ok.


Not today, fuckers. Never mind. What else could go wrong with this flight, hopefully that little whiny fucker is way down the back next to the shitter smashing into chocolate.


It just got worse, flight leaves 2 hours late and 2 hours in, there is 3 small kids screaming the plane down. First its all at once, then after an hour, they take it in turns, the parents don't seem to give a flying fuck. Kids are screaming to the point of hyperventilating and are now hysterical and smashing it out like there is no tomorrow.


The fathers are sitting there watching the 20 year old movies on the Hawaiian entertainment system and the mothers are knocking back a few cheeky chardonnays saying "shhh" when the kids cough up a lung. Worst fucking flight ever, I obviously don't need sleep, fuck me, don't these people know I have a title to defend with no practice round because of the airline and cancellations, have some feelings for The Shooter for fucks sake, little rotten shit kids.


After no sleep, whingy woman beside me who leant on me twice during the night and having to listen the the "screaming 3" all fucking night we are finally here. All there is to do now is to see what they are going to do about the tight connection that has been created because the stupid pilot couldn't get his shit together and get us off the ground earlier.


Luggage takes 1 hour and 30 minutes and mine is the last off the plane, no one else in the terminal, everyone gone, just The Shooter left. Shit just keeps on happening.

The transfer counter is now closed so we have to lug all of our luggage over to the domestic terminal for the hop to Kona.

Its a fucking zoo over here, flights cancelled, delayed, people yelling and lines that stretch out the door, fuck.

Get in another line to try and change my 1:25 to Kona to a later flight, there is a 2:25 and we have been in the line for an hour. Finally we get to the counter and 2 of the 4 staff go on break, c'mon really ?


At the desk now, the woman spends 10 minutes on the computer, I tell her at the start we wont make the 2:25, can she get us on the 3pm, its the last flight of the day and we have to get to Kona today.

After her 10 minutes she prints out new boarding passes and then says " I don't think you will make that 2:25" to which I said of course I wont, its 2:10 now, I asked to be put on the 3pm originally. She then says "oh yeah" and gets back on the computer for another 10 minutes, this is a cluster fuck of mammoth proportions now.


Get the new boarding passes, make a few phone calls to change the transfer in Kona, get on the new plane and land in Kona, guy is there with a sign with The Shooter and Sweets written on it, I didn't have to let him know it was us he recognised me immediately obviously from the statue they had erected after my win last time and the banners lining the roads near the hotel, he was very happy to carry the bags to the car.

He goes on to tell me his mentor is Australian, a great man that has taught him many things, invaluable things over many years, his mentor sounded fantastic. Eventually after he had stopped talking, I asked who his mentor is.

He replied proudly, Russel Coight and he recited one of Russell's best quotes for me to digest "Emu's live in pairs, or alone, or in groups. The mostly feed at night or during the day.

Then I knew this driver was an idiot.


We have now arrived at the hotel, checked in and dropped off our luggage, quick shower and up to the Welcome drinks evening.

Greeted by thunderous applause, we now feel as though the worst is behind us and its time to slowly immerse myself into a couple of Big Waves and win a tournament. An hour later Shooter is 6 beers in and absolutely fucked. I need some sleep and then its out to swing the money makers on the range.


Its been a big start and The Shooter hasn't even hit a shot yet.


International Shooter out.