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The Battle at Royal - Disco Strikes


We have arrived at the number one golf course in South Australia, it’s a gold letter day.


After the disappointment of applying too much #toursauce and spinning the shit out of the last shot at Mount Compass and coming away with a half, Shooter is looking for revenge on a golf course that suits strategic thinkers and precise shotmakers, right up Shooters alley.


Disco may have had other plans but he has never played here before and The Shooter has. The golf has trended upward since the poor showing further south and Shooter is looking to burn the fucking house down and go low. Disco won’t know what hit him.


8:35 and away we go, Shooter smooths one up the first fairway, into the sun, Disco hits a neck cut onto the practice fairway, tops his next, misses the green chips it over the back and finally makes a cool 7, Shooter hits his 9 iron to 30 feet and holes out from a foot for 4, this might be easier than I think. 1 up.

2 up after 2 as Disco hit his drive under the only tree on the hole, Shooter makes another smooth par to move on. Fuck this is a good golf course.


The 3rd is one of the best holes on planet earth although Shooter hits his tee shot in the trees, the hole is halved in par. Disco wins 5 with a shot and 6 is halved with Shooters par. Shooter then halves 7 with a par and wins 8 with a birdie to take the lead out to 2 again. Disco is going to get pumped here today and pumped hard. Surprisingly Shooter makes a bogey after his birdie on 8, fuck me that never happens, apart from 100% of the fucking time. As I’m going off about it happening again, Disco slips in a little par to win the hole. Shooter +1 at the turn.


Disco is helpless as Shooter pumps another one into him and wins 10, back to 2 up. Disco is looking dead on his feet, back against the ropes taking big hits from The Shooter. It’s a fine display, Shooter is a pugilist, a shotmaker, a shaper. Lesser men would have gone down by now.


Disco rallies, much to Shooters surprise, comes back and wins 11 after Shooter knifes a pitch shot, wins 12 with a shot. Fuck me, he is alive, he is starting to get a little bounce in his step. Cheeky little fucker. All Square. Shooter lands another big blow on 13 after a pure strike with a gap wedge to 3 ft, that should fuck him, Disco’s triple doesn’t get it done against this opposition. He knows he is in a firefight and Shooter doesn’t take a backward step.


Disco pars 14 with a shot for another win, after Shooter hits his second shot into the worst place on the golf course, on the walking track to the 15th tee, hard as the fucking driveway we drove in on. Facing a delicate pitch from here, over a bunker to a short cut pin, Disco calls Sportsbet and gets odds on (a) flub into the bunker, paying $1.03, (b) knife over the green into the bushes, paying $0.95c. Un fucking backble. In his own style, Shooter fucks the bookies again by hitting the blade into the bunker, no one saw that coming. Nice double fuckwit. Shooter birdies the next in a display of pure ball striking and deft pitching from 61 meters only to find out Disco gets another shot and halves the hole with his par, at least kiss me before fucking me. Match all square.


We have arrived at the beautiful par 3 16th. A pure picture of excellent architecture and design with the unsighted trouble on the right of the green complex, the optical illusion created by the hole playing slightly uphill so the horizon level makes the hole appear closer than it is and the ample green to appear smaller, it’s a testament to the vision of the architect.


Knowing the tricks architects play on unsuspecting golfers, Shooter takes one more club and carefully aims to the left hand side of the green as to avoid the swale on the right, a one yard fade should land softly in the centre of the green. That’s until a hard half socket sees the ball head right, land on the edge of the green and shoot off the slope with the speed of a startled gazelle toward the 17th tee.

Now this is really hard, the lie is as tight as a bald English golf pro, down into the swale and up the slope to a flag cut 20 feet from the right edge. I know, use the 3 wood and run it up the slope, you haven’t practiced it but fuck me they do it on tele and Singlets does it all the time, perfect time to try something with the match on the line. The 3 wood brushes the ground a foot behind the ball and moves it 5 feet into the swale where the grain of the grass is growing against me, what a cock.


The pitch is now harder, the leading edge of the 56 goes into the ground from such a steep angle it can’t get out and the ball moves 3 inches, yes, 3 fucking inches, wow what a dickhead. Pitch it on and make 5, Disco rolls his 30 footer down to tap in range for the win. Boring as fuck golf from Disco, spice that shit up like The Shooter. Fuck sake.


Stupid fucking hole.


Both combatants flush it from the 17th tee box, Disco hits his second which lands on the green and rolls just off the back edge, I think Shooter has used all the #toursauce this week. Shooter flights his 8 iron high and with the aforementioned one yard fade, not now fuckstick, is the call as it lands in the right bunker. Disco casually rolls his up to 4 feet with a shot and leaves Shooter 1 down having to hole out to halve the hole, you would think Disco would have given Shooter the bunker shot to make things fair. Fuck no is the call. The bunker shot finishes 2 inches from the hole. Shooters par was sadly not enough on this occasion and Disco arrives on the match play scene by taking down the number 1 seed and big dog.

We play 18 in good spirits with Shooter complaining that handicaps need to be looked at, everyone gets too many and why do they always come at the end of the round. Especially after Disco hits his drive onto the practice fairway again, first tee shot and last.

Disco, whist not happy with his last hole is a bit chirpy and Shooter reminds him that one swallow does not make a summer. Bring on the Yarrawonga week, Shooter is wounded but not dead, beware the wrath.


Down but not out Shooter out.




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