top of page

Stickers - Reloaded


Its like Stickers has been reborn, renewed, rebooted, found the lord. Its Stickers 2.0


Stickers has spent around 2 months Jobkeeper money on new gear and its all arrived, new Jet Black Series Titleist bag, new Titleist Umbrella, new Shoes, new Titleist towel and Pro V's so plentiful you cant count them all.

Singlets made so much profit out of it he has shut the shop for 3 weeks.


Singlets has rolled his ankle while hitting practice balls or at least that's the story he is going with. Its so painful he can hardly walk on it he claims.

Interestingly when Singlets found out his password for his Apple ID, the first thing he did was download the app for his new Bushnell Wingman and went running to a golf cart to try it out. He was so excited he was like a dog with two dicks, running and jumping all over the place to get to see his Wingman in action, he was blaring some 50's song as he headed off down the first hole. It may have been Cool Change by the Little River Band, how old is Singlets for fucks sake.


If I ever hear Celine Dion with that voice that sounds like someone is murdering a cat coming out of a golf cart, the Wingman may feel the wrath and suffer an untimely death.


So, we are in a 2 ball.

Easy opening to the first, Stickers holes on for par for a half, casual, friendly. Shooter holes a 15 footer on 2 for a par after a poor chip shot and Stickers says "fuck me, Shooter" I reminded him I didn't say anything when he holed one on the first. Shooter 1 up.


Shooter birdies 3 after a piercing 9 iron second shot left him 15 feet, right to left. that accounts for one of Stickers shots. 2 up.

Shooter wins the 4th after a smooth 56 from 76 meters finishes 4 feet away. 3 up.

5 is halved, Shooter wins 6 after a 88 metre piece of genius. 4 up.


That new gear and refinement of theory 5792 better kick in soon or Stickers will have a very sad and lonely back 9. He needs to dive deep to find value for the dent in his campaign.


Stickers hits a little pull hook on 7 with a 7 iron, leaves it 75 feet away, Shooter is 3 foot for par. Stickers holes his, longest putt he has holed in his life, ever. Worst part about it was he was right, it never looked like missing. 3up. Losing to a birdie is ok in Shooters book.


After Shooters birdie putt on 8 takes the right lip and stays out, Stickers makes his 4 to win that hole as well. Shooter 2 up. Stickers flushes it into the fairway on 9, flights an iron to 20 feet and casually 2 putts for another win. Shooter now only 1 up.


Fucks sake, 10 is halved and Stickers wins 11 with a 12 footer that hangs on the left edge of the hole and falls in, luckiest prick in the world. All Square.

The 12th is halved in par. While walking to 13, I said to Stickers that he should be proud of his play today, new theory seems to be going ok and I was 4 up through 6, now we are square. Stickers turns to me with his fucking annoying little laugh and a Fatty Vautin head wobble and says 'just make more birdies'. Cheeky fuck.


Shooter then smashes one around the corner on 13, 64 meters from the flag, flips to to 12 feet and holes that to win the hole. How do you like that birdie Stickers ? That stopped his little head wobbling.

Shooter back to 1 up. 14 is a par 5 and Shooter hammers one down the centre right, 3 iron just short of the green, Stickers is fucking about on the right then the left then puffs one up to the right hand side of the green and 2 putts. Shooters 10 foot birdie putt lips out. Fuck.


14 halved in par, 15 halved in par again as Shooters birdie putt slides by from 9 feet.

16 is won by Stickers after he makes a very nice up and down from the front edge whilst Shooters chip shot was in a lie that couldn't have got there by itself, Stickers was looking over sheepishly, I am sure I saw new spike marks from those very shiny shoes on my ball.

Back to square 2 to play, Stickers gets a shot here on 17.


Stickers 3 wood, hard left, so hard there is no tree noise and it has to be in the old toilet block, second ball, left again but not as far left as the first snap hook. A window of opportunity has opened for Shooter to pounce and end this pretender right now. Unless of course when I said pounce I meant half shank with a 4 iron. Fucks sake.

Stickers hits a 3rd ball onto the right hand front of the green.


Shooter finds his, chips it to 18 feet, not great but ok out of the lie from hell, now Shooter has a nasty little left to right breaker for par.

Stickers finds his, I ask him if its the first or second, he tells me in a annoyed tone that its the first ball and a Titleist 3. I have now picked up his 3rd ball.

Stickers says he is in GUR and wants a drop, I didn't see any white lines around the big hole cut in the sprinkler system, ok, the hole was 300 deep and 2 meters square and had witches hats and police tape around it but it didn't have a white line indicating GUR.

I reluctantly give him the benefit of the doubt.


Stickers chunks it onto the green and makes 2 putts for 4 nett 3, now Shooter needs to hole this 18 footer to stay all square. Shooter has a look from both sides, Stickers is noticeably annoyed and is leaning on his putter sighing.

Shooter smooths it into the hole for a half, fucking grinding Shooter has returned. Fucked if I know how he got a half there.


As we walk to the 18th tee, I look left over near the far cart path for the 13th hole, "is that a ball" "couldn't be". Shooter walks over to the rough and picks up a ball a good 30 meters left of where Stickers "found" his "first" ball. What did you hit Stickers ? Well, fuck me if it isn't a Titleist 3, also with no identifying markings.

Oh shit, Stickers has played the wrong ball and made a match defining half, now he is claiming the one he played is the first one, but as we know the first one was way way left and the second one was not as far left.


Shooter says well if its not your first ball, I will keep it, Stickers didn't want any part of that either, he wanted the ball and the score to stand. Its very reminiscent of the 18th hole at Noosa where Stickers hit his first ball hard right and his provisional hard right, both the same numbers and both with no marks on them. Blisters made him go back again to complete the hole legitimately.

Because Shooter is a nice human, not like Blisters who is horrible human and an old fuck, Shooter let it stand, but fuck me can someone get this guy some contact lenses and a fucking sharpie.


18th tee now all square but I have rubbed out 4 on the card and replace Stickers score with a question mark.

Shooter pipes one, Stickers puffs it up to the right. Stickers lays up and Shooter hits his to the rough on the front of the green.

Stickers hit his 3rd left of the green into one of the worst lies you can get around there, grainy grass growing into you, short sided, and having to land it into the shit lie and hope it bounces up. Stickers hit not one of, but the best pitch I have seen on that green ever.......ever and rolls it in to make 5 fuck me, that deserved to win. Shooter birdie putt again takes a lip and stays out.


We get away with an all square result after Stickers hit a perfect 75 footer on 7 and a perfect pitch on 18. He is also deeply entangled in one of the biggest substitution scandals since the Fine Cotton affair. I cant see that ever coming up in conversation.


All the new gear seems to have made a difference, not to his eyesight nor his ability to identify a golf ball but to his results.

I suppose its easy when you hit whatever one you like............that didn't take long.


Magnanimous Shooter out.









Comments


bottom of page