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So you want to be a golf pro – WA swing


Time to pack last minute and get over to WA for the 3 tournament swing. Wembley Golf Course for 36 holes, Royal Fremantle and Joondalup.

Feeling a bit of pressure to not have fucking 80 and try to score ok to move up from around 70 on the elusive Order of Merit.

I have allowed a couple of days so I can have a look at Wembley on Saturday afternoon, play Royal Fremantle on Sunday, I played Joondalup about 8 years ago, as long as it hasn’t changed much we will be ok.

Arrive at Wembley, course is fucking chockers, no spare tee times for hours. That fucked a good idea, they do however have a very good short game practice facility with 4 chipping greens and 3 putting greens. Spent an hour putting and then another 3 hours chipping and hitting bunker shots, fuck me now I’m tired. Find hotel, it’s great for the price, good first day.

Wake up, fuck my left elbow is sore, fits in nicely with my fucked right elbow, fucking chipping practice out of fucking kikuyu will do it. Make some enquires about playing Royal Fremantle, no good, ladies pennants today, no chance to play, fuck me. Don’t they know that the Shooter is in town looking for a practice round, fucking pennants. Get with the program, we are pro’s here.

Make arrangements to play Joondalup instead, perhaps I should have played Wembley, going in sight unseen not a great idea I found out.

Wembley in carts, that’s a surprise, drawn to go out to 14 tee, playing with a WA Legend, bit nervous, hit 5 wood on the short dogleg par 4, hooked the fuck out of it, thought it was dead. Actually perfect in the middle of the fairway, flub it from 70 meters, chunk it on, make 15 footer, par. Birdie 15, birdie 16 birdie 17, fuck me, hit it over 18 green, pumped up, make bogey. At the turn -2, thinking my shit doesn’t stink. Shoot +7 front 9 and sign for 79. Jesus H Christ, how did that happen. T47 from 70 odd. What a fucking cock.

Same tee, same partners second day, par 14, this time more conventionally, par 15, birdie 16, par 17. Get to 18, hit a great shot and miss green 1 foot left, hit putt so soft, it runs across a waxed surface like it has no resistance at all. Fucking stop you stupid fucking ball. 12 feet past, couldn’t have hit it softer, miss that. Suck my dick fast downhill fucking stupid greens.

Birdie 1, then bogie 2, birdie 4, bogie 5, end up shooting 38 35 for 73, move up to 30th and get a little travelling money, still down $1200 for the week but happy I have broken the 80 something fucking stupid rounds. Royal Fremantle tomorrow, get ready, Shooter is coming for you.

Fuck me, how hard is this fucker when you don’t know where it goes. Start on 6, par 5, flush driver, second shot misses green left, pitch to 3 feet. Going -1 early would set the day up. Did not even get a fucking lip. 5, move on Shoot, regroup.

Before I know it, I’m missing greens then having to chip it through kikuyu grass that doesn’t like having chips hit through it, cant fly it on because the pieces of glass they called greens were harder than a fucking cats head and running 11.5 on the stimp. I didn’t know the US Open was this week.

Fucking hell, make 2 birdies for the day and end up shooting 84. What a monumental cluster fuck this turned out to be. The hour drive back to Joondalup should be good, lucky I didn’t drive the fucking car off a bridge into the Swan river.

Yesterday, 73 good, feeling good, today 84, feeling like a 20 marker, thinking about giving up for a while. Both elbows hurting like they have needles in them, needles the size of garden hoses, when I shot 73 they didn’t hurt ! What a fucking game.

Last day, last event, Joondalup, played here the other day although the Quarry 9 was closed and we are playing that today. Forecast not looking great, gloomy as fuck, like me last night, should be comfortable then, stupid fucking game, stupid fucking golf pro.

Tee time, 11am. At 10am I’m on the range, it’s pissing down, fuck this, 84 yesterday, pissing down today, fucking hell. Hit 5 shots with a 60 degree wedge from the mat, 2, thin, 2 fat, 1 good, keep raining you cock, changed to 8 iron, hit 2 thin, I fat, 2 good. Odds are getting better. Can’t see where they are going now, raining too hard, fuck off.

11am comes, still pissing, drive out to the 6th, fuck me, it’s pissing, it’s freezing, windy as fuck. What a fucking joy this is. How good is flying across the country to have 84 yesterday and play in this today. Can’t wait to start.

Umbrella blows over, off the tee, down into some fucking bushes on the first fucking hole, haven’t hit a shot yet, can’t get to the fucking tee walking up a sand tack, tripping over shit, what a fucking start. Finish the first 4 to round out the front, still fucking raining, now it’s colder, can’t feel my fingers.

Get around to the first on the Quarry. Flat snap hook, going hard left, hits cart path, now it’s really fucked. Find it under a black boy tree, nowadays you have to call them grass trees I suppose. Chip that fuck out, miss the green from 206, flop 60 degree to a foot, hole it. Par 2, par 3, birdie 4, fuck me what’s happened ? Stop enjoying yourself you sooky little fucker Shooter, you can’t be enjoying this. Stop thinking the rain and sleet and wind is good fun.

Double the 5th, here we fucking go, back to reality. Start sooking again.

Make a 6 footer on 6 for par, let’s kick this fucking thing home Shoot, ride it like sea biscuit, smash it into the right hand fairway bunker on 9, 129 out of wet sand, wind off the left. 9 iron to 8 feet, hole that fucker too, look out, what’s the course record around here !!!

5 to play, worse conditions I have played in for years, somehow it’s not that bad, make double on 3 from grass that was so thick and so wet, I was lucky too find it, flub a chip on the par 5, 5th but manage to hole a 8 footer for par and limped it home with a bogey for a fine 77. Have to admit, it was a good 77 in the end. Especially after that fucking 84 the day before.

So in the end the WA swing was a half decent start, shit middle and pretty good end. Picked up some cash in 2 from 3 events, rocketing up the order of merit now to 54th and only lost $1000 for the week.

So, you want to be a golf pro.

PGA Shooter out.


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