Well, the day had arrived, The Shooter has only been talking about it for 5 years but it’s not that big a deal.
Its Pre Chop day for Q School at Sandhurst North Course which I have renamed Flyhurst, fuck me if there aren’t more flies here than that Australian Mid Am at Lynwood a few years ago, I found it’s a little difficult to hole putts when a fly is crawling across your eyeball. As they say, it’s the same for everyone, fuck off it is, I must have used shit as aftershave today.
After a little -2 at 13th Beach earlier in the week we were looking good, calm, no nerves. Walk over to the first tee at 7am. Paired with 2 good players BJ is a pro already and AR has been here before so knows what it’s all about. I think to myself that PGA man has paired us this way because we are the best 3 players here.
Now on the tee, a little nervous, manage a little squeeze push block into the right half, miss the fucking bunker, one bounce, no problem. 106 meters in to an accessible pin, little open face flunge Wedge that lands at 85, falls back in the trap, well, fancy that, fuck me, that’s unexpected. Good bunker shot to 5 ft, putt rolls past right edge, if there is a positive, it was a really easy bogey.
Bogey again on 2 after a semi shank 5 iron second to leave me short sided again, par 3 and 4 to settle into the round. Driver on 5, I must have had some lubricant on the face of the driver as the ball is now heading 50 meters right towards bunkers and knee high grass, not sure how the lubricant got there. I casually say “get up” as it’s in the air, in hindsight not sure if that made me seem as cool as I thought it did when I said it.
Well this bush that it is under is certainly tightly packed and thick I thought as I found it, can’t really get a club to it, unplayable is the smart option, bogey. Another hard right from 6 tee, I have to remember to wipe all the lubricant from my hands before touching my driver in the future. Finally find it and it looks like a little bird in a nest, can hardly see it let alone hit the fucking thing, chunk back to fairway, 5 iron to 30ft from 175 for another fucking bogey. +4 through 6.
This is not how I pictured it, playing partners are -1 and -2 respectively. Flush a 5 iron to 8, lands and finishes 4 feet, Bowza the tour caddie of the year says, “tour quality shot right there” that’s nice to hear, on reflection he may have taking the piss. Asshole. Didn’t get a lip from 4 feet, make par on 9 to turn +4.
Right, not the start you wanted Shooter but it’s all go from here. Par 10, knock it on the par 5 11th and casually 2 putt for birdie, back to +3. Par 12 from the front edge after what has been described as beautiful and exquisite pitch by the caddie of the year again, I think he wants a bigger tip, he will be sadly disappointed. Now we are cooking.
13, par 3, 139 meters, elevated green sneaky wind off the left. In the practice round landed on the right edge and sucked off the green, not today champ, not today. I was right, it didn’t even get to the green and finished 30 meters off the right, fuck me, how can that shot come from the Shooter. Oh well, chip it on and get on with it you fucking sook, flub, flub, putt putt. Are you fucking joking. Great double.
Next hole, driver 80 meters right, For Fucks Sake, I will hit a provisional boys, Titleist 1 no cuts. Another toe driver lands in fairway trap 170 from the tee. Fuck me.
First ball lost, temperature rising, blood pressure stable, walking a bit more intensively. Walking to fairway trap see a ball embedded under the 5 foot high lip, fuck, that guy is fucking fucked, where is mine, wow, is that a Titleist 1 no cuts ?
Oh joy, thought the double was bad, fuck off, can’t go backwards, can’t go forward, have to stand above bunker and swing along lip line, caught it too good, shoots off into the bush. Blood pressure 210/180, I think my eyes are bleeding, chunk out of bush, pitch putt putt for a fucking snowman, goodbye Q School. How can a snowman survive here when the volcano has gone off, it’s a million fucking degrees now.
Simmer down Shoot, simmer down. Flunge half neck 4 iron into wind on the next, finds trap, up and down from there for a nice par, blood pressure must be down a little by now, I can no longer hear my blood pumping and the throbbing has gone from my temples. Par 16.
17, par 5, bunkers left and right, can no longer swing the club back as far, thumb now throbbing, can’t get glove off, thumb is twice the size. Hit fairway, want to lay it up 80 meters out for a full pitch, 5 wood, flush. 50 yards on top of a mound. Fuck me, if you are going to lay up, fucking lay up you chopper. With the touch of a gynaecologist I hit a little spinner to 7 ft, birdie machine Shoooooooottttt.
Uneventful par on 18 for a fucking 80. Looks like my campaign may be over for this year, then again, perhaps I can get back into this thing, nothing a 66 won’t fix. I just have to manage the Achilles Tendinitis, Torn rotators, tennis elbow and now a fucked thumb.
This being old caper is a fucker, I don’t recommend it.
Still an Amateur Shooter out.