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NSW Open Shooter – Nightmare


Day 2 is here.

Played quite nicely yesterday, got it in the house without too much blood loss, pretty happy. Slept shithouse, sore neck, headache, it’s fucking sinus city here. Very nice tee time from the 10th tee today at 12 midday. Have hit balls, putted and chipped and ready to go.

First off again, expected, to the tee from Queensland, The Shooter, slight applause, looked  at Joan who was holding the silence sign. No applause from you Joan, fucking ante up. She started to clap. Thanks Joan, appreciate it. Flush the driver, slight fade, applause, other choppers hit and we are off.

64 meters to the flag, 52 front. Green is elevated, hard as the cart path. One is short, one hits the green and goes over. Shooter flops a delicate one, lands on front, small bounce, 8 feet. Playing partner JK says great shot, I tip the hat.

JK chips his in from the first cut on the back of the green, 30 yard chip in, shot JK I say, meanwhile, I don’t get a lip from 8 feet, fuck. Flush driver down the next, 224 flag, 216 front, on a downhill lie, 5 wood, slight pull green side bunker, not bad Shooter, good miss. JK, flubs it from 50 meters, lands on front rolls up to 4 ft, good shot JK I say through gritted teeth. Bunker shot, 2 putt for par, JK makes 4 ft for -2, fuck.

Par 3 next, 153 flag, 141 front, slightly fat 7 iron, bunker. Get in there, there is a mound of fucking sand behind my ball, what are there fucking volunteers doing, rake these fucking things I yell out, for fucks sake. An old lady cries. Flub, leave it in, flop it out to 8 feet, lip out.

Arrrrrgh, you are fucking kidding me. JK is fucking dead, right hand side over a mound, up a slope to a plateau, if he makes 4 it’s good. Chips it in, oh get fucked, just get fucking fucked. Good shot I say.

Walking to the next the bag falls off the buggy, bottle of water, falls on the ground, shoes are squeaking with every step, Jesus, fix it all up keep walking, bottle of water falls off again, get to the tee, flush a 3 wood, fucking long, nice job Shooter.

Bag falls off 3 times before I get to the ball, shoes squeaking, water bottle falling every 30 yards, this is fucking annoying me now, frustrated as fuck and this shit is making me nuts, I’m not OCD at all. 114 flag, 94 front, first 6 is false front, great mapping Shooter, fucking tactician.

52 degree wedge to carry the false front, one bounce, JK yells out “great shot, spun back 5 ft”. I yelled back “of course it did, I fucking pured it you birdie making fuck” 4 ft, for birdie, bounce back Shooter, pump the fuck up. Not even a fucking lip, 4 footer slides by. Fuck me.

Bag falls off 2 more times to the next tee, almost kick the fuck out of it but don’t, get to the next tee, toe draw. “I’ll hit a provisional” I say, that thing might be fucked. Hit the provisional in the same spot, fuck I hope one of them is in. “Are they fucked” I asked the drink lady, she said “not as hard as me last night” I look at the guy next to the drink station, he gives me the thumbs up, that’s fucking gross, I’m trying to play golf here. Both in, fashion a little 5 iron punch under a tree 160 meters, now have 96 flag. Ball is sitting in the fucking hard pan between tufts of grass, so good, fat flub, chip, 2 putts, bogey.

Is it getting hot here or is it my head is blowing off, fuck me, squeaking every fucking step, water bottle thrown to the shithouse, bag falling off, making bogies everywhere, what a day this is becoming. Next hole, index 1, tee moved up, angry driver, fucking smashed it, 64 meters from the flag, 58 front edge. Fuck me that is so good, flub, don’t make the green, putt from the front slope, leave it 8 feet short. JK says “that bounced a bit”, “did it JK, did it, you fucking knob, shut the fuck up, if I miss this 8 footer I’m going to fucking stab you with the broken putter shaft you fuck” he didn’t say much after that, he was hoping the 8 footer went in. Hallelujah, I got one.

Flush a driver up 17, 60 meters past the other pro, fucking mint. Get to it, in a fucking hole, can’t get the club to the back of the ball, you are fucking joking, can I get a fucking break on this fucking joint. Take more club Shooter, run it up, flub fat fuck, chip 12 feet short, bogey.

18, 286 meters to the hazard, can’t get it there, practice rounds I was 30 short at least. Flush driver, sit the fuck down, pulls up 2 meters inside hazard, on hard thin lie, oh fucking joy. Hit the best shot of the day to 12 ft behind flag, gallery go nuts, I’m sure I saw Joan again from the 10th tee, she clapped without prompting this fucking time. Leave it a foot short. Turn +4 with no luck all fucking day.

All I have to do is shoot even par over the front to make the cut is the thought. C’mon Shooter. 15 footer on 1, lips out for birdie, how did that not go in. Marshall tells us we are a hole behind, it’s a 167 metre par 3, everybody rushes to the 2nd tee, 6 iron back edge, 3 putt bogey, fuck you marshall fuck, drive it in bunker on 3, knock it down short, chip it to 10 ft, miss putt again, mark, others putt out, put mine back, miss it from 8 inches. Wow, that’s good, there goes a chance of the cut, bag falls off again, water bottle rolls in the dirt and shit, reminds me of my round, covered in shit.

Second shot up the next, on hardpan between grass, fuck me, does this shit happen to everyone, have to lay it up, middle of the fairway, get to it, in a fucking hole, twice on 1 fucking hole, get fucked, how can I hit it 126 to an elevated green that’s as hard as a cats head out of a fucking hole, Jesus, this pro golf is asking lots of questions. Hit it on green make par.

Smother hook the next along the OOB, “I’ll hit a provisional, Titleist 70, green line”. That thing went 60 meters sideways, in the first 30 meters of length, if I had hit that shot with an iron I would have broken my wrist. Let’s hope the first one is in. Rules official drives up, finds it. It’s sitting in dirt where a tractor has gone through and chopped up the ground. “How about a drop there” I say half joking because I know he says ok, “no drop” he says “whilst it’s in the works, you are not in the furrow lines and you don’t get stance relief, so you have to hit it”………”really you stupid old fuck, have a look at the works and fucking shit it’s sitting in, the fucking tractor has fucked the whole area”……”nope”……. “stupid old fuck, get the fuck away from me before I fucking cut you with this fucking water bottle that just fell off my bag again”. Hit it to 23 ft, lip out.

Lip out from 11 feet on the next par 3, make par. Hit it in the hazard down the next, can’t get the club to it, have to hover the club 2 feet behind it, ball comes out so hot and so left, JK yells out, “might be OOB”, thanks fuck. “Oh no, it’s still in he yells. You should see this, under a tree, massive branches, can’t stand next to it, tree in front of me, Chop it 20 yards, still in the shit, then have to flop it out of the leaves and rocks and dirt, 146 flag, 8 iron to 20 feet, 2 putt, double. Par 8, one to play.

The end of this fucking round can’t come fast enough, one to play. Driver carry bunker I see one bounce, should be perfect. Walking past the spotter and he says, oh it’s through the fairway, past the dry patch, you may be able to get some grass over there, I see a tumbleweed and a rattle snake, oh for fucks sake I said, does this fucking joint have anything but holes, hardpan, snakes, and fucking rocks. Get to it, it’s again in a fucking dirt lie between tufts of fucking shit grass, flub, carry bunker, leave it 25 feet. Fuck me, had some shit fucking lies, let’s finish this thing Shooter, make one putt. Nice 25 footer up a slope, double breaking. How the fuck would it go in when I leave it 6 feet short. Miss the next to close with another bogey. Get fucked.

Sign for 82 fucking hits, miss cut by 6, what a fucker. Sitting in the clubhouse, doing the right thing by the amateur and the PGA send a text and email telling me I finished T79 at 157 and the cut was 151, fucking PGA taking the piss too.

Being a pro is hard.

Humbled Shooter out


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