Disco’s Rookie Tour


The time has come, after years talking about it, The Disco is finally pegging it up on tour.


Shooter flies to Melbourne so Disco isn’t alone for the 8 hour mind numbing drive to Adelaide, upon arrival, after waiting for 40 minutes for luggage (Melbourne hasn’t changed) Shooter goes outside into the blustery freezing cold shit Melbourne weather, and realises we aren’t in Queensland anymore. Welcome back on tour Shoot !


Disco is as excited as a dog with two dicks, Shooter is cold and regretting not packing jumpers and away we go, usual road trip banter, usual service station dim sims, no wonder I’m fat, Disco telling me golf isn’t that hard and he thinks he will go pretty good while away, he is a solid 8 marker and 8 markers should be able to play most places.

After a Chicken Parma and a few beers at the pub next door we bed down for the night in Adelaide. Awake at 7:30, it’s business time, after breakfast, we drive down to the Fleurieu Peninsula for our first practice round at South Lake Golf Club, not a bad little course and a good place to swing the wrenches and blow the cobwebs out of the finely tuned engines.

Disco lost a ball on the 11th hole (our second) after almost hitting a car that was driving down the road. We could see it on the lawn of the house over the road but couldn’t get it, so technically it was stolen not lost as it wasn’t there when we went past later that night. Must be a high crime area. Wind got up in the afternoon so the new wet weather pants got a run to keep the Shooters body warm in all the right places.


Rather than play a practice round the next day at Links Lady Bay, as good Tour preparation dictates, Disco arranged a tee time at Kooyonga, he used all of his smooth talking lessons and his Golf Digest gold card to get us a start. The club were very happy to have us and we were paired with the Captain and Vice Captain.

One of the best days of golf ever, great company, few laughs, Disco hit a shank with his driver from the first tee after the gallery had showed up to watch us tee off, nervous energy right there. Shooter was walking off the 8th green telling the boys how to make par on the hardest hole on the course when the bag fell off the buggy and everything fell out, everything. I’m sure I left $45 in coins in the grass. I did ask the Captain to have that walk from 8 green to 9 tee smoothed out a bit.

After the round we had a tour of the new clubhouse and something to eat and drink. By the time the bar staff told us to get out Shooter was blowing bubbles and Disco was on 0 percent beer, at least someone is a responsible adult.

First Tour Round was at Links Lady Bay, Shooter had played it 10 years before, perhaps I should have had a practice round, some things are different.

The afternoon got very windy and cold, Shooter hit some beautiful majestic shots but could not hole any putts from anywhere, frustration was the word of the day and the other word was fuck. Disco flushes one from 18 tee, smashes it by the long drive by 40 yards, at least we will have something good to talk about on the way home. Presentation time arrives, they call out Long Drive, Disco takes out his napkin, wipes the gravy and mashed potatoes from his mouth and slides the chair out........... Micheal Wanker wins the Long Drive and the prize is a new rangefinder. Disco’s head looks like its on a swivel, can’t believe it, just a plain rip off. That puts a sour taste in our mouths to finish the day, we did however score a bottle of wine each on the way out.

Lets hope tomorrow at South Lake is better.


Nope, more of the same, holed nothing, hit less majestic shots. Disco racks up a cool 24 points, still stinging from yesterday’s crime. The Long Drive at South Lake was on the 9th hole, ”I can’t get robbed 2 days in a row” was the call as Disco launches the driver from the tee, it makes a thud as the ball comes out of the toe, it starts low right, then starts to move left with pure overspin, lands and runs like an exotic grip makers dick, bounce, bounce bounce, run run, we are now riding it like Sea Biscuit. We have little else to cheer about. It comes to rest on the left hand side of the fairway, we can do no more, he has given it his best shot.

Nervous on the way down to it, as we get closer we see it’s still on the fairway. Shooter rips the marker out of the ground triumphantly, we had an independent 3rd party adjudicate and sign off. In your face Mary Killian, in your face, feel the wrath of the Disco............fuck was that the ladies Long Drive ?

No, it was Mike Killian, bad penmanship, shit myself for a minute surely Disco can hit it past Mary, she is 90 years old and has 1 leg. Yeah, fuck you Mike.


Disco was prepared this time, up to collect his new rangefinder except this was 2 bottles of wine and a hat that didn’t fit. Fucks sake.


At the end of the first event, no good scoring, some good shots, some awful ones, won some wine, a hat, lost some balls and self respect. Disco and Shooter drive slowly back to the accommodation dejected, cold, worn out, sore and looking forward to the next event. Disco won’t stop talking about the Long Drive all the way home.


Practice day at Stirling Golf Club for the 2 day event, again, wet, cold, windy. Disco has a different day at Glenelg, he said the sun was shining and he was flushing it all day. Always does when no one else is there.........fuck me.

Stirling, was waterlogged, cold and different to what I expected. Short little golf course with heaps of elevation changes and some holes you can’t keep a ball on the fairway. First hole is a 208 meter par 4, plays uphill 30 meters, that’s some slope. The second hole is a short par 4 that plays downhill 30 meters, don’t miss a fairway is the key.


As It turns out, over 2 days, Shooter and Disco miss many fairways, many putts and many opportunities and Shooter records one of his worst tournament finishes in recent memory, fuck. Spent the rest of the afternoon digesting where we went wrong. Ran out of ideas and paper to write them on. Disco had his first taste of #tourlife came out of it without too much scar tissue, sounds as though he is thinking about the Queensland events later in the year. Shooter needs to get back into the warmer weather and go over the good things and get ready for the Queensland Swing. Grinding to be done.


Tournaments over. Now we have 2 rounds to go before the road trip back to Victoria where sweets flies in to comfort a vulnerable Shooter and Rose' can listen to Disco regale her with stories about his long Drive victory.


Stay tuned.


Humbled Shooter out.